Tips For the Single Wizard Past His Prime
by spero spiro
Summary: Set during OotP. Remus decides that a cup of tea is all he needs for a break from boring research and Sirius's antics. Sirius decides that all he needs is some new reading material and a push in the right direction. Lupin/Tonks


**Tips For the Single Wizard Past His Prime**

**Note: Written for the metamorficmoon "Beatles and the Bard" challenge, with the prompts "teakettle" and _"Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books, but love from love, toward school with heavy looks." _Romeo And Juliet (act 2, scene 2, lines 156–157). The end result was... well, this, which won runner-up for the humour category. **

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the sole property of J.K. Rowling and lots of other publishing sorts of companies which I don't have any affiliation to. I'm not making any money off of these fanworks, which are just that: fan works.**

Remus Lupin was not going to pretend that he liked living with Sirius as much as he might pretend he liked his brand of help for the Order—or Dolores Umbridge for that matter. In fact, it was only because he was unwaveringly loyal to Dumbledore and the Order as a whole that he spent most of his days holed up in Sirius's house, wearily accepting the endless stream of pranks his friend played on him. This morning it was the invisible wire strung across the hallway, just where Remus was sure to trip over it, that morning it was ladybirds mysteriously baked into his toast. Another morning easily recalled was one on which Sirius had replaced his tea with a particularly disgusting infusion of dandelion, which had some rather unappealing effects on his system. After that point, Remus had been skeptical of any peculiar sign of kindness being offered from the secret tenant of 12 Grimmauld Place.

Most of Remus's work consisted of watching Sirius, accepting incoming messages to the Order, and doing endless research, poring through books day after day for seemingly pointless trivia with only half a chance to be useful in the future. The only silver-lining, per se, to the whole arrangement was that he occasionally was granted good company from the other Order members. He was not quite so lucky this day.

On this day, however, he had abandoned _Pack Mentality: Group Think and Werewolves_ for what he thought was a riveting study of vampiric feeding habits over the centuries when a loud banging on his door announced Sirius's impending entrance.

He lowered the book, looking bored. "Afternoon, Padfoot."

Sirius walked in, wearing a broad smile and a set of robes Remus recognized from their days in the _first_ Order. "Moony! I can fit in my old robes!" He gave a particularly questionable twirl in the middle of the library.

"That's not much of a feat, seeing as you've lost a considerable amount of weight since those days," Remus took in Sirius's outfit one more time, before continuing. "Though you haven't lost a bit of that awful fashion sense." He droned sarcastically, lifting up his book again in a futile attempt at blocking out Sirius.

Indeed, a pale hand snatched the book out of his hands. "_A History of the Vampiric Sub-species and Their Modern Decline_. Just _fascinating_, Moony. I can't believe you haven't got girls falling all over you with the rubbish you read." The dripping notes of sarcasm told Remus that Sirius was not pleased with his diminished interest in the mundane aspects of Sirius's life.

Sighing, Remus stood and reached for the book. Sirius held it up over his head and Summoned a replacement from somewhere in the house.

"Here, this is much more suitable reading material for the dignified, single professorly type." He shoved a tattered book into his hands. "Dung sends it with love."

A turn of the book revealed that _Tips for the Single Wizard Past His Prime_ would help Remus turn back time on his love life, relive his peak years (in performance and appearance!), and guarantee results to turn the head of any self-respecting witch. With a deep frown bordering on irritation, Remus shoved the book back into Sirius's hands. "I'll take my vampire book, thanks."

Noting that he had struck a nerve, Sirius plopped down into the singular most comfy chair in the whole of the Black Estate (which Remus had himself conjured) and opened the book to a random page. "Ah, how to improve your libido. That sounds interesting, right?"

Remus groaned.

"Oh, but Moony, girls these days have these high expectations for fellows like us. We're older, sophisticated, and experienced. We have to keep up with their youthful vigor."

"I don't like girls." Remus finally shot back, conjuring a second chair to settle in. It lacked the worn comfort of the one he had been using for the past months, but it would do for reading a book.

Sirius, never willing to let Remus best him, rolled with what might have been a shock had it not been so obviously a lie to push away the annoying behavior. "Well, then you obviously have been pining for me all these years," He dramatized. "But I'm afraid I'm not attracted to men—especially brainy ones—in the slightest."

"Well, that about breaks my heart into a hundred little pieces. I'll just have to try and cope without my deepest desire." The chair was satisfyingly squishy, and Remus began flipping through the book, looking for the page he had been reading from.

There was a long pause where Sirius stared pointedly at Remus, frowning. Finally, the latter dropped his book into his lap. "What, Sirius?"

"Really, I am worried about your love life… Or, rather, lack thereof. Have you shagged anyone since I got tossed in Azkaban?"

Remus gaped for a long moment, opening and closing his mouth in slow succession. "I don't know what to say to that." He finally managed, slamming the book shut with an air of finality. "I'm going to go get a cup of tea." He muttered, stalking out of the room and down to the kitchen.

"I'll take that as a no, then?" Sirius called down the hall after him, and Remus made a rude hand gesture to him over his shoulder as he descended the stairs.

As he pushed open the kitchen door, a loud crack announced that Sirius was preceding him, presumably to further prod at his fraying patience. "I suppose you think you have fifteen years worth of annoyance to inflict on me, now we're together again?" He asked, striding in and heading straight to the stove.

"Ah, Remus, don't suppose you've met my cousin, have you?" Sirius was already sitting at the table, sipping from a glass that was half filled with something that looked suspiciously like Firewhiskey.

"Good afternoon, Tonks." Remus greeted, prodding the kettle with his wand. Sirius knew well that the two were acquainted, had interrupted several promising conversations between the two, and even was privy to Remus's private thoughts on the young Auror. "I suppose Sirius has been entertaining you with the ploy that I've Obliviated his memories again." He poured the hot water into a cup where a small pile of tea leaves were already waiting and sat down at the table with the Black cousins.

"Oh, he's only been here a moment, pretending to have forgotten everything about you. He's just now asking me how long he's known you." Tonks reached over and stole a sugar lump from his fingers, shooting him an impish grin. Remus pretended not to notice the blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Much too long, apparently."

Sirius leaned over the table. "Since we're such good mates, you'll have no problem telling me whether or not you've shagged anyone in the last twenty years."

Remus drew in a slow breath and mustered all his strength not to hex his oldest friend into oblivion. "You know, it's not too late for me to _really_ Obliviate your memory." He told him, non-chalently taking a sip of his tea.

Tonks looked between the two, smirking faintly as she tugged on her fuschia locks. "I'm sure Lupin has had a perfectly active life with your absence, Sirius."

The aforementioned tried his hardest not to let the blush spread any further. "Thank you for your, er, confidence in my personal affairs. However, my sex life is of no concern to Sirius," He shot the man a dirty look over his tea. "Even though his absence made it a little easier to find a date and his presence increasingly harder."

"Well, I suppose I should lend a helpful hand once in a while to make up for that, shouldn't I?" The expression that told Remus that Sirius was up to mischief suddenly became more pronounced.

"Please don't." Remus sighed.

Sirius prodded Tonks with a long finger. "Tonks, go on a date with Moony." While she laughed merrily, Sirius shot a triumphant grin over her head to Remus, who stood and cradled his mug in his hands.

"I imagine you think I ought to thank you," He started toward the door, paused a moment, feeling Sirius's eyes boring into his back, then turned around with a resigned sigh.

"And, Tonks, if you'd like to collaborate in making your cousin's week by having this date, I suppose I could tear myself away from _Pack Mentality_ for a cup of tea," He returned the brightening smile on Sirius's face with a sarcastic scowl. "If he can manage to give us proper privacy."

Tonks looked faintly worried, but Remus shrugged the notion off. Sirius had quickly figured out that Remus was determinedly ignoring an attraction to the much younger Order member, and had since then been tormenting him to the point that any normal person would have long since abandoned any remote semblence of romantic inclinations. Remus, however, was used to Sirius and his relationship-destroying power, and was not a particularly normal person in the first place, and still harbored the sort of crush he only remembered having as a schoolboy. When he pushed open the door to the library, Sirius was already sitting comfortably in one of the chairs.

"Oh, for the love of—"

"You hurt her feelings, Moony." Sirius interrupted, looking the image of responsibility as he folded his hands into his lap.

"What?" Remus gasped in exasperation.

"She thinks you don't like her. She _really _likes you, and she thinks _you don't like her_."

Seizing the research text provided to him by Dumbledore, Remus gave Sirius his best stern professor glare. "Will you ever just butt out?" He flopped into a chair and opened _Pack Mentality_ with resolute defiance.

"I have to live vicariously through _someone_." Sirius reasoned, pushing down on the top of the book.

"Fine," Remus cried. "Just… tell her I'll come down for tea sometime around half-eight."

Sirius _bounced_. "Perfect," He started out the room and then swung back into the room while anchoring himself to the doorframe. "And don't look so sullen; your face will stick like that."

One final sigh escaped as Remus laid the book over his face and let out a muffled groan before turning his reluctant attention back to his reading.

As the clock in the corner of the library clanged eerily, Remus checked his pocket watch and rubbed his eyes. A break for the evening was in order; he had been struggling to continue reading for the last half hour before resigning himself to the fact that he simply could not bear to read any more psychoanalyses of werewolves and their social habits. Dumbledore had promised that this research, at least, would be more immediate in its usefulness, news that Remus had taken grimly.

For the moment, however, he was pleased to have a break; he was more so pleased about the company he had been promised for the evening. Pushing into the kitchen, he noted that it was—to his enormous relief—Sirius-free, and Tonks was now at the stove, prodding the kettle with her wand with the same sort of concentration which could be found on the faces of those playing Exploding Snap.

"Wotcher, Lupin." She greeted with a cheerful grin.

"Evening," He nodded to her, containing the flutter of butterfly wings in his stomach. "Glad you decided to take me up on my lame excuse for a pick-up line."

She poked tea leaves in the mugs. "Sirius threatened to put ladybirds into my morning toast if I didn't."

Immediately as she finished speaking, a loud pop, followed by a billowing cloud of thick, black smoke filled the kitchen. Tonks poked wildly at the kettle, which began whistling furiously. Remus leaped to his feet and waved his wand, clearing the room of smoke and immediately quelling the kettle's angry whistling.

She looked sheepish, and he gave her the most reassuring smile he could manage. "I guess that's not how your dates usually go."

"No, usually Sirius has managed to curse my soup spoon by now." He offered, pouring normal boiling water into the mugs and offering her one.

Careful not to drop the mug, Tonks sat down at the table and stared into her cup until he sat down. "Where do you think he got off to?"

"Either he's up with Buckbeak or hiding somewhere we can't see him because he's a shameless busybody." He rolled his shoulders back to release some of the tension and leaned back in his chair.

She mimicked the reclining movement. "You seem much more… relaxed than usual."

"I've managed to stun my brain into submission for the time being with that awful book."

"That bad, hm?" She played with her tea for another moment before finally taking a sip.

"That bad," He confirmed, stirring in an extra lump of sugar. "Though Sirius interrupted my personal reading time earlier with the insistence that _Tips for the Single Wizard Past His Prime_ was just what I needed to get over my, shall we say, _dry spell_."

Tonks witheld a giggle, then swallowed it in a blush of shame. "Er, sorry."

"No, no. I suppose there was some merit to his insistence that I'm not likely to catch a girl this late in the game when all I can do is bore her to tears on the feeding patterns of vampires."

"I don't know what you mean," She interrupted, drinking deeply from her mug. "That sounds downright _fascinating_."

He laughed. "Oh, don't tease me. Sirius does it enough for everyone."

"Well, it is the first date. I have to make you believe that I'm completely intrigued by everything you say with the unlikely hope that you'll tear yourself away from the, what was it?"

"Feeding patterns of vampires." He provided, amusement causing his mouth to twitch into a smile.

"Yes. That. Anyway, I have to hope that you'll tear yourself away from your bloodsuckers long enough to fulfill my idealistic views of romance." She was grinning more broadly now, cradling the tea and staring at him.

His laugh was somewhere between bitter and merry; a strange combination from a lifetime's worth of trying to accept his nature, and the amusement of the whole situation. "Well, I certainly hope your idealistic hopes haven't been piqued by me. I'm hardly likely to fulfill them, less so in our current situation."

"Oh? What's to say my ideal for my personal knight in shining armor isn't a middle-aged werewolf with a thing for vampires?" She teased.

"Common sense, for one."

"And another?"

"Occam's Razor? It's much, much easier for your knight in shining armor to come with the armor, and not a monthly, rather hairy date with a demanding mistress." He set down the cup and stared at her with a crooked smile.

"Easier, not more likely." Tonks deadpanned, sloshing tea onto her front with a muttered curse and a wave of her wand to rid herself of the wet mess. Remus managed not to laugh.

"So, what is your ideal knight in shining armor?" He kept the tone in his voice easy, though similar queries had been burning inside him long enough to know what they meant.

"Mm, you know. Tall, dark, handsome. Tattoo of a hippogriff on his chest."

"Oh, so Sirius in his glory days?"

Tonks laughed. "Does he have a tattoo of a hippogriff?"

"Good Lord, I hope not." Remus snorted into his tea. "So, really, what's your knight in shining armor like?"

She frowned. "Don't know. I've dated all across the spectrum, and just… didn't find a fit."

"Sounds a bit like me, only I've had more time at it." His smile was kind, and she warmed a little to it. "Trying anyone on for size right now?" The question was out of his mouth before he realized exactly how it could be misconstrued. "Ah, I mean… Well, I suppose that too," He lifted the mug again. "I'll just drink my tea then."

"No, no, not doing much of either," She admitted with a laugh. "It's hard to carry on with a bloke when I've got so much going on. Auror work is top secret, so I can't well talk about my job, and most of my free time is spent with the Order, so there's the other chunk of my life right there I can't talk about. What about you?"

"Mm, about the same except for the added bonus that I'll never exactly be up for strolls under the full moon."

"Never got married?" She asked, and immediately regretted the painful flash across his face that told her that she had accidentally struck a tender spot.

"Er, no." He managed, staring at the table.

"Sorry…I didn't mean to say something that would hurt."

He shook his head. "No, not at all. I'm fine. There's just not a lot of prospects for the single werewolf. I'm actually relatively happy, given that I live with a madman."

"You make me feel awful." She buried her head into her hands.

He laughed. "Oh, don't. Sirius is the best sort of roommate I could have ever hoped for."

"Tall, dark and handsome?" She laughed.

"Ah, yes. But I have the hippogriff tattoo."

She looked surprised. "Really?"

He gave a coy smile and finished his tea. "I suppose you'll have to find out next time."

She stood, staring at her last sip of tea. "Are you asking me on a second date?"

He pushed back his chair and stood as well, cradling the cup in one hand. "Hm, I suppose I am. Are you going to accept? I promise it could be much more interesting than a cup of tea in a decrepit old kitchen."

She smiled and swirled the dregs in her cup. "The tea leaves say yes."

He set his cup into the sink after casting a quick _Scourgify_ into it, and headed out of the kitchen. "Good night then, Tonks. Back to work." His face fell a little as he nodded to her, finding it difficult to maintain a smile.

She waved him good night and listened to his soft steps up the creaky stairs before staring at her own cup for a moment.

He had been just settling into his chair before a knock too soft to be Sirius's echoed through the room. "Yes?" He called, setting his book to the side and starting to stand.

Tonks pushed the door open, carefully gripping their cups, filled once again with boiling tea. "I thought about it, and decided I wanted that second date now. We can upgrade to a cup of tea in a decrepit old library."

He carefully took both cups from her, fearful that they may not last the trek across the room to end table between his chairs. "Oh."

She looked crestfallen. "Is that alright, or are you too preoccupied with vampires?"

He laughed. "No, no. And it's Dumbledore's werewolf book tonight. I can't pretend that I find the subject matter exciting in the slightest. Have a seat."

A wicked grin flashed on her face. "First, let's see that hippogriff tattoo."

**End**


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